Education,  Selfish Life

Searching For Self: An Adoptee’s Search For Identity Part 1

I’ve been on my Selfish journey for a couple years now and  I had to address an important issue in my life. I felt it was time to revisit an important piece of my life I’ve tried to ignore for a while.

When I was about 5 years old my mother told me I was adopted. She told me she saw me one afternoon on News Channel 5 when I was an infant during the segment where children need homes. I remember my response was “I’m not from here?” My mother has always read to me and I believe this is where I get my love of reading from. She read a story to me entitled The Mulberry Bird. The story goes through a journey of a mother bird who realizes she can not care for her baby bird any longer and makes the decision to give the baby bird to a family who can care for the bird much better. To this very day, this is one of my favorite stories.

I grew up in a beautiful home with two loving parents who have been married 39 years; 40 years this coming December.  My parents gave me what feels like the entire world. I can honestly say I am blessed to have been adopted by an awesome family.  I am so grateful to have a mother and father like I do, but I cannot help but feel a piece of me is incomplete; there’s something missing. The only information I have on my biological parent contains their height and weight, education, hobbies, interest, and of course the reason for putting me up for adoption.

The reason, which some of you may be intrigued to know, is my birth mother already had a child and my birth father had several children. They felt they could not provide me with the life I deserved. The information also stated that my birth parents family had no idea my birth mother was pregnant with me. I was a well-kept secret for 9 months.

My mother has always encouraged me to try to find my birth parents. When I was younger I dismissed the idea completely. Saying things like, “Why? They didn’t want me.” or “I don’t care to know them”. I acted as if I was unbothered by the adoption. That was a lie. I was angry. Even though I was grateful for my life I struggled with feeling unwanted for a huge portion of my life. I grew up with serve attachment issues and to this day I have trouble trusting people. I always asked why would they keep their other children, but give me away? I’ve always wondered about them. I want to know who do I look like, or where did my brown eyes come from? Do they have a better living situation now, did they ever tell their families about me? So many questions.

 As I’ve gotten older my perspective has changed. I am no longer hiding the fact I would like to find my birth parents. Confession; it’s still a piece of me that’s scared to feel that rejection. My adoption was considered a closed adoption; meaning I have absolutely no access or rights to any records containing information about my biological parents. Its a semi difficult process when it comes to finding your birth parents and dealing with a closed adoption, but there are some limited routes I can take.Even with the limited options it’s not guaranteed I will find any information.  It’s almost like opening Pandora’s box. Will I be rejected? Will I get the information I want? Am I sure I’m ready for the outcome of what will happen next?

Regardless MY parents are MY parents. I love them to the moon and back. They are my everything. There’s no way I could ever replace them. Words cannot express the gratitude I feel for them taking on the responsibility of adopting a child and raising me without ever making me feel like I wasn’t apart of their bloodline. I’m forever grateful.

So you’re probably wanting to know what I’m going to do. Well, I’ll leave you with this. There was a new law passed in Missouri for adoptees born after 1941 ( I know this goes back some years!) stating that adoptees can request a copy of their original birth certificate beginning January 1, 2018.So for all my Missouri Adoptees check that information out here. In the mean time, I’m going to mentally prepare myself for that day. I am approaching this with an open mind and an open heart. Whatever’s meant to be, will be. To be continued….

Thanks for Reading. Stay Selfish

3 Comments